Joe's tips for making chicken stir-fry in your new sublet:

1. You should probably just go ahead and take the battery out of the smoke detector in advance. And open all the doors and windows.
   
2. I know it's been a while since you've cooked for yourself, but don't forget to boil the chicken first. Dumbass.
3. Brummel & Brown is a tremendous product; it is not, however, a great substitute for cooking oil.
4. Cutting the still-frozen chicken while it's frying may not lead to real burns, but it does lead to a lot of temporary ouchiness once the Brummel & Brown starts flying.
5. I really can't emphasize enough the importance of checking to make sure that some sort of spatula is among the utensils the apartment's regular tenants left behind.
6. Hot sauce is a nice addition to your Big Ten Burrito, but the side of chips may be a little much.