Thursday, February 20, 2003

I had a long conversation last night with the Beallsvonian's New Hampshire correspondent. (I'm going to run with this gimmick for a while--humor me.) In the course of the conversation, he said that he had finally found a movie worth fitting into the third slot of the ultimate "Movies that Suck So Hard that They're Really Fun to Watch" tripleheader. The two movies we already had in place for this were Tammy and the T-Rex and Garbarge Pail Kids: The Movie. Here's the remarkably succinct and dead-on plot summary of Tammy and the T-Rex from the IMDb:

An evil scientist implants the brain of Michael, a murdered high school student, in an animatronic Tyrannosaurus. He escapes, wreaks vengeance on his high school tormentors and is reunited with his sweetheart Tammy. Together, the couple try to elude the mad scientist and the police and find a more appropriate vessel for Michael's brain.
What this leaves out is that this movie stars a before-she-was-famous Denise Richards. There's comedy, there's high comedy, and then there's Denise Richards being out-acted by her talking animatronic dinosaur boyfriend.

If I need to explain to you why Garbage Pail Kids was a horrible, horrible movie, then there's just no hope.

The new nominee, which I cannot personally vouch for, is The Never-Ending Story 3. From the conversation, I gather that the only thing this movie has going for it is another before-they-were-stars siting--Jack Black in a role that will surprise you. I make no claims for or against this film, but I trust the judgement of the person who does.

Three movies immediately come to my mind for that coveted third spot:
  1. Nail Gun Massacre. All you need to know is the tagline: Cheaper Than a Chainsaw.
  2. Slaughter High. The first thing I ever contributed to the IMDb was this film's classic tagline: Marty majored in cutting classmates.
  3. Viva Knievel. I can't say enough about this movie--Lauren Hutton, Dabney Coleman, Red Buttons, Leslie Nielsen as a villain, Frank Gifford as Frank Gifford, and of course Evel himself. I rented it and ended up watching it twice. For some people, Gene Kelly's legacy is An American in Paris and Singin' in the Rain; for me, it will always be Viva Knievel and Xanadu.

I might also suggest this movie, but I don't actually hate my readers.

No comments: