So of course, DEK and I went to the semifinal clash between the Lake Charles Land Sharks and YOUR Ohio Valley Greyhounds this past Friday night at the Wheeling Civic Center. As always, the action was NIFL-riffic, but this was a little extra special. If Bill Walton had been on hand, he might have said, "This may have been the greatest game in the history of indoor sporting events since the Cretaceous Period." I don't know about that, but I think you could make the case that this was the 1958 Baltimore-New York NFL Championship Game of minor league arena football. Here's the recap. The action was actually so exciting that, for a few moments, our football watching wasn't the least bit ironic.

A few digressions...

1. Since the Greyhounds prevailed, I pointed out to DEK that the Lake Charles players can now resume their careers delivering Candygrams, or just being a plumber, ma'am.
   
2. I can't report from the Wheeling Civic Center without telling my favorite story from that building. I was there in 1989 for a WWF TV taping, and at the time the Ultimate Warrior and Dino Bravo were feuding. So one bit involved calling the biggest guy in the building out of the audience so the Warrior and Bravo could compete to see who could do more pushups with him on their back. They bring out this hick-looking guy who seems a bit shy and acts all reluctant. They ask him his name and he says, "John", and then they start the contest, but mid-pushup he attacks the Warrior and, with Bravo's help, beats the hell out of him.
   Now, since this was a "Superstars" taping, they were doing four weeks worth of shows, so later in the night they filmed this interview bit where "John" is unveiled as "The Canadian Earthquake", Bravo's new tag team partner and a new force in the WWF.
   None of this is particularly funny, except for one thing. This, of course, was before the "behind the curtain" era of the WWF, when there was no acknowledgement that there were people outside of wrestling, a real world, personal lives, etc. (Film geeks might say that there was no non-diegetic material.) So a month later I get my copy of WWF Magazine and I read about this taping that I had actually attended. They tell the same story, except that in the story, when they ask the big guy his name, it says that he responded, "The Canadian Earthquake" at that moment.
   Now the Ultimate Warrior was no brain surgeon, but even he would have been smart enough to follow Joe's Iron Law of Pushup Contests: Don't do pushups with someone named The Canadian Earthquake on your back.
   
3. Sub-digressions:
   
   • When I have told this story in the past, I have always reported that it was Ravishing Rick Rude in the contest with the Warrior, but deep down I suspected my memory was flawed because I couldn't reconcile the fact that Jimmy Hart was at the unveiling as the Canadian Earthquake with the fact that Rude was managed by Bobby Heenan in that era. I gave it a lot of thought, and suddenly the Canada connection occurred to me and I realized my error. Yes, I know, I need to seek help.
     
   • It was a bad TV taping for Heenan, however, because The Brain Busters lost the tag team belts to Demolition the same night, one of two title changes I have seen live. (The other was Hogan vs. Yokozuna at King of the Ring '93, Hogan's last pre-WCW match in the WWF.) Yes, I know, I really need to seek help.
     
   • Dino Bravo has the surprisingly heavily contested honor of strangest death of a major wrestler. Nationality slurs aside, this is the best account of it I've read.
     
   • If it's any consolation, I've been cold turkey from wrestling for a good 10 months now.
     
4. End sub-digressions
   
5. Sadly, I will not be at the finale of the NIFL playoffs (thanks Mike) because of the Burns (thanks for that too, Mike!). I do assume, though, that Buonicotti, Griese, Csonka, Shula, et al will be quaking in their boots.
   

Finally, Tom reports on this article about some Jackass. I didn't really care about most of the article, but the final paragraph answers the question that many a NIFL fan has pondered: What exactly would I have to do to get BANNED FROM HOUMA FOR LIFE??!!

Not a ferret, but willing to introduce friends to Our Good Friend The Conditional Mood as needed...